rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
