his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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