somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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