By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
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