I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My life is pants optional.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
