Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
