I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
