dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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