I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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