i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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