The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize