I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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