You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize