If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
