She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
