On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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