awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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