Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
