she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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