Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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