Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Floor bacon is actually really good
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
