Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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