I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize