birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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