I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
