and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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