Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
