Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
