thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
