we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
