i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
