If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
