I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
