There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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