WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
