glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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