I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
