My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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