I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
