When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
