I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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