So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize