went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
