Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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