Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
