I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
