He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I touched a dick in church today
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
