You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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