I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
