thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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