Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
