she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
