at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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