Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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